Good Morning Ladies & Gentleman
As I track my own thinking, I cant help but to think about how I have transformed my thinking over the years, early on, before I changed the way I was thinking, I had always thought sad and vile thoughts, and still to this day I have to be conscious of what I am thinking. What I didn’t know years ago, was my environment played a huge role in what I was thinking, especially since I experienced many traumatic situations in my life, first I was bullied at a very young age, I held that anger in and never told anyone, next I was shot when I was a teenager, and that carried fear and PTSD ( post-traumatic stress disorder ) and I never received any counseling for what had happened to me, I went on and recovered physically, but never dealt with the emotional deep scars, that were building up inside of me. And to add insult to injury during my developmental stages as a young girl going into adulthood. I lost a bunch of childhood friends and even people that was close to me to inner city violence, these loved ones, died, untimely deaths and many were horrific, I never remember anyone explaining to me that death was a natural thing and sometimes, situations and circumstance can cause an untimely death, and that it is unfortunate, nevertheless, it is a healthy way to grieve. I have witness first hand the devastation of a sudden death and I can tell you. Its not something that is easy to recover from. The last thing that caused my transformation in my thinking was, after I had a stroke, I fell into a deep depression that I couldn’t seem to shake, I received prayer on a daily and prayed daily for myself. But that only lasted a few days or so. It wasn’t until I was introduced to a bible scripture, Romans 12: 1-2 that I understood the process of climbing myself out of a deep depression. My son claim I stayed in the bed for 2 years after the stroke. I actually don’t remember that, but maybe that is what he seen me do, since he was a child. It must have been hard seeing his mother in that state of condition.
I thought I was ok, I do remember getting up and my caregiver helping me clean myself up and going to intensive day therapy. I remember thinking about my current situation 90 % of the time. How I looked and how other people saw me. I remember thinking I was ugly, I had to wear a helmet, my hair was shaved off, I walked with a limp and my posture was crooked. I also remember thinking in my mind that I would never be able to speak clearly or walk straight again. I was always looking at my hand a sulking about the things I couldn’t do anymore, like tying my shoes, or fasting my bra, doing my hair, bathing myself, or even caring for my young daughters and oldest son. All my thoughts where about the things I could no longer do. To make matters even worse. I had a new born baby that I thought I couldn’t hold. The traumatic experiences from my past came to revisit me every moment of the day, when I gave them permission to come and have a party with my emotions, I let them have their way with me. They tossed me back and forth from the past to the present and even created a future for me. I allowed them to have their way with me. As I look back, I think about how the scriptures talk about how the children of Israel wondered in the wilderness for 40 years, and I would find myself wondering in the wilderness of my thoughts, allowing them to control my emotions. I would write in my journey how my soul was sick and my spirit was weak. I was thought I didn’t have any control over my thinking, these were some very dark times, I can’t recall ant exciting times, except the trip down south in 2009, I remember just looking pretty for a time or two. And having a deep study of the bible scriptures during that time. That was the only source of inspiration I had along with my spiritual mother who taught me so much how to renew my mind, she pointed me to the direction. I needed to go in. Romans 12:1-2, I learned it purposefully and intentionally for myself, to change the old way I was accustom to thinking, then I learned what to replace those negative thoughts with, it was found in Philippians 4:6-8 gave me a strong foundation, because the traumatic life experiences had taught me to be anxious ( PTSD) so I simply retrained my mind to think on things that were good healthy, delightful, and hopeful, nevertheless, I had to learn how to balance this out with living in reality. And that is still an on-going process.