Here I am in the hospital again!

Here I am at the hospital again I thought to myself, another IV, the nurse ordered a CT scan, I had come through the ER with the of my worst headache of my life. I had never felt that type of pain before it was strange and different, I had been Taken 800mg Ibuprofen every 6 hours around the clock since I had been discharged from the maternity ward a week earlier, (I would learn later that taking a NSAID might have made the Bleed worse.)I was in pain in my leg and had a bad case of hemorrhoids, I was all messed up. It didn’t dawn on me what was going on. I am a fighter, I thought I would go get myself checked out and go home. Besides, I had just had Victoria and I had big plans for our future. The nurse came back with the worst news I could imagine. That a bleed was on my brain and that I need to call a family member quickly, ( the news had me shocked me a little and it didn’t sink in until my friend got there,)I was thinking to myself not now, I need to go home and find this dude that got my car and see what it look like. You see the night before. My Ex had called and said my car had been shot up. That had pissed me off to the fullest extent of pisstivity, it means being extremely angry at someone or something, and I was mad, very very mad. He had stolen the keys to my car while I was in the bathtub soaking my body and left the baby in the baby bed. ( Something the Older women would say a women shouldn’t bath or shower after she gave birth.) Earlier that day, I went and picked Victoria up from the hospital went to my mom’s house and somehow ended up with My Ex later on. I remember saying I was done with him. He had really been giving me a hard time all while I was in labor. Victoria had been in neonatal care for a few days, she had swallowed amitotic fluid at birth and had to get her stomach washed plus she was a little jaundice, her bilirubin levels were high, eventually they became normal, My sister and Mother would be taking her back and forward to the hospital to get her levels checked. I didn’t make it home that day, I ended up getting my head split open by a surgical team that was miraculously strategically placed at the right places at the right times to save my life. I recall rehearsing all the events that lead up to the trip to the ER. When I got out the tub and realized, he was gone my keys and my car was gone and he left the newborn baby in the baby bed, I was livid. Steam could have been coming from my nostrils and ears, the anger and rage, was boiling on the inside of me, now that I reflect on that moment. My body was definitely trying to maintain homeostasis, which is a healthy balanced state. I remember calling him demanding he brings my car back and to don’t play little games like that, a flashback immediately, popped in my mind of the last time this dude stole my car, in 2004, the year President Barack Obama had run for Illinois Senator and won. That very same day he and I were working with the community to ask people to go out and vote. We were in 2 separate neighborhoods canvassing their areas walking door to door in the cold and rain. I was extremely worn out at the end of the day. all I wanted to do was go home and get in the bed. And I did, later on, that night, he wanted to go to the movies I didn’t and we got into a slight confrontation. I thought it was nothing, I didn’t think much of it and went to bed. Later in the midnight hours, He came to my door, I did not have an inkling of a clue what was behind the door. My 3 Children were in their rooms sleep. When I opened the door. This man swung the door open, grab me pushed me into the bathroom and placed a semi-automatic huge black gun to my neck. I was in shock and didn’t understand what was going on. I still don’t know to this day what prompted that kind of behavior, luckily it didn’t go off because I’m still here telling this story, I don’t remember what I said to get out of that one. All I remember is him leaving with the keys to my car. And crashed it really bad. My car was absolutely wrecked. I called the police, my sister came to my aid quickly took my children to my mother’s house. I recall, all of us being extremely nervous and scared, there was a big altercation that happened in the hallway when I thought he was going to shoot me in my back. For what I do not know. We had no arguments leading up to this. I just did not want to go to the movies that day. I just recall him having liquor on his breath. he must have been intoxicated to the max, and have a hard time distinguishing who his enemies were and assumed I was one of them. As I reflect back all the signs were there of him being an abuser at that time. But I ignored all of them. His Grandmother told me once that he was a dangerous person, but I couldn’t see it. I was so naïve and didn’t catch on to what she was trying to tell me.
Nevertheless, the gun was found, he went to jail that night and I pressed charges, a few months later the strangest thing happened, that I now call into question about why his lawyer a public defender called me to come to his office to talk with him, as vulnerable as I was at that time. I went and listen to a bunch of crook I had no business listen to. Long story short, the charges were dropped to a lesser charge so he ended up getting out sooner than he should have. And like the 3rd or 4th dummy I was, I ended up getting right back with him and had my 4th child with him. These were the torching thoughts I wrestled with daily of why had I been so stupid as I pondered on the events that had to lead up to me even being involved with this guy. The agonizing thoughts tormented my soul as I was constantly reminded of events that took place between us that were obvious that this relationship was toxic and dangerous, someone was going to eventually lose their life playing silly backward games. The scene came to my mind of when he and I were at his sister’s house and he pulled a fake gun on me. As I pondered those events, all types of things bombarded my mind. Thinking he was just trying to scare me because he knew I had been shot before and was terrified of guns. These thoughts were hogwash. I had allowed the rationalization of those thoughts almost become the death of me. I had been blind to so much, today it seems as if I were caught up in a Pathetic Love and I agreed with being held captive in misery and it almost cost me my life. The inability to rationalize true logic might be a symptom of something was going on in the cerebrum, the biggest part of the brain. That controls thought processes and logical reasoning.

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